These three words sum up how I have been feeling.
It’s taken me all week to figure out even just those three words, as I have felt almost lost for any words in the depth of my soul.
I think it began as far back as a month ago when my doctor pulled me off my monthly infusions of medicine (that help halt MS episodes) suddenly due to side effects that needed to be taken care of. I believe she had planned to quickly start me on another medicine a week or so ago, but there is nothing else that I was comfortable with beginning at this point.
I also have now found an amazing new primary Doctor but it has taken a little bit to figure out out what I need and begin those new therapies for me.
So here I’ve been in the interim–feeling like I’m dangling between doctors and decisions, left in a very vulnerable place.
I looked up the word ‘vulnerable’ and it described perfectly how I feel:
Definition of vulnerable:
: easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally
: open to attack, harm, or damage
The biggest reason for feeling this way is if I were to experience another MS episode, it would easily be now since I just got off of my immune-supressing medicine and my immune system may want to relapse as it comes out of it’s suppressed state.
I have struggled with feeling so needy and being even a burden to anyone in my life, My husband, my doctors, my friends, even God, as I have wrestled with fear and darkness that has wanted to overwhelm and suffocate me this week. It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced anything quite like this.
It is through many tears and being in this dark place where I feel like I could even just go off the deep-end of fear, that I have began to realize my need to surrender and be ok with feeling desperate and broken–because I have a rescuer, and He is mighty to save me.
No matter what neediness you’re struggling with in your life right now, I pray you are encouraged to be vulnerable, to allow yourself to need a savior because He responds to our neediness, our brokenness– and He will come and rescue you whatever trial you are in the midst of!