So thankful for Jesus

I am so thankful for Jesus. I am so thankful that in the midst of my despair and hopelessness, he brings hope to my heart. A hope that he is working in the midst of the things unseen, things yet to be revealed.

I have felt grief and pain anew wash over me many times in the last couple of weeks as I deal with my current realities, through the lens of my prescription drugs, no less.

But even as real is my pain, so real is His presence to me.

It has come as a quiet confident voice which speaks peace to my heart when I feel panic, hope when I feel fear, strength when I feel tired of fighting this battle.

This is why He came; this is why He died and then rose again in victory!

Jesus, I am so thankful you came–I know you came for me, for what  would I ever do without you. I will love and follow you forever.

No matter where you are or what you’re going through, I pray each of you experience his presence in such a beautiful way this weekend.

Happy Resurrection day!

 

 

 

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On the 8th day of steroids :)

Update: I can’t believe it’s been 8 days already since I started these drugs, although in my agony, the days have tended to drag on rather slowly and torturously. Ha.

For those of who you are just following….. this situation all began after my Neurologist pulled me off of my medicine Tysabri very abruptly  7 weeks ago with out weaning me off the med at all, and I believe it attempted to send me into a tail-spin as my immune system now begins to wake up, after being suppressed for the last 18 months.

I am having to do these very high amounts of IV and now oral steroids to hopefully halt this MS episode quickly before it gets too bad and I risk accumulating more scarring on my brain or spinal cord. I pray this isn’t the case and that we caught it early enough!

My physical body is in a lot of pain right now, as well as my breathing labored and my heart racing, as I slowly come down from the heavy steroids I’ve been on. The pain in mostly my upper body is to the point where my family cannot hardly touch or hug me right now. Everything hurts.

At the same time though, my mind is slowly coming out of the heavy fog. I feel like a bit of the picture, coming out of a dark heavy forest into the beautiful sunshine.  I can feel my optimism and mental strength for life beginning to return. I pray the strength in my legs will also follow. Soon and very soon, I believe….thank-you Jesus for your strength!

Also, thank-you friends for your comments and encouragement that lifts my spirits. It means so much to me.

 

Since I can think a little more clearly–I am working on my next blog post right now, talking about something that is so crucial to all of us: Community and crisis. 

It’s coming soon, so follow my blog to stay tuned!

 

Sometimes there aren’t a lot of words to be said…..

….sometimes there’s just the getting through the moment by moment.

I am learning to give myself permission to sit in this very place–to not have the answers for anything, to not know what I feel or believe, to not have a lot of hope for how things can change.

The amazing thing is, He loves me here. My heavenly father loves me here in this place–when I have nothing to say, nothing to feel, nothing to offer him. It strips me of  any of my pride of thinking I am loved because of anything I have done. Not at all.  He loves me because of who He is, not because of who I am or what I can do for him.

I haven’t had much to say in the last week. It’s always disappointing going through these MS flare-ups. No matter how many times I have dealt with these in the last 10 years since getting diagnosed (a whole another post of it’s own :)), I never get used to the feeling of suddenly losing feeling and strength in my body. My brain doesn’t even know how to process me doing things so normally one day, and just mere days later, having to take extra effort to get up and down the stairs, walk slowly because of the numbness in my knees and feel like at times, my legs will collapse on me if I don’t sit down. It is surely an experience, to say the least.

Add in the high doses of steroids to all of this and it makes for a tough situation. They do a number on my emotions and my thinking, making it hard at times to think rationally and clearly, and even hopefully that I can get through this. I’m thankful for all of you praying for me during these times because I have been feeling discouraged and numb by the whole situation (I’m guessing mostly because of the medication) and also by the fact that I have no idea when my legs will feel normal again. I believe and hope that I will be in a better place about a week from now when these meds are finished, and I’m praying they will be used to help bring healing to my body–that this hard time spent doing these meds is NOT in vain.

Regardless- through my little piece of suffering, I am confident that He is for me and not against me, and that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I’m thankful that is truth–whether I feel it or not.

 

I would have despaired…

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.” Psalms 27:13-14 NASB
 
I was reminded of this amazing verse this evening. I have felt on the brink of despair many times in the last week, feeling overcome by my circumstances and uncertainties of things happening to my body and everything feeling completely out of my control.
 
Every. single. time.–God has been so good to show me his faithfulness and remind me of how close he is, that I am not forgotten and I will not have to walk in fear of what tomorrow brings.
 
He has used some of the amazing beautiful people in my life in the last 24 hours through your financial generosity, your prayers, your kind words and your friendship to me.
 
You all help me have courage to stay on the journey, to not lose heart, to not quit believing that He will continue to show me his faithfulness and most of all remind me, that I do not walk alone. I am so thankful for you, dear friends!
 
I know there are so many of us going through hard places right now. I pray you find the same comfort I have found. We are in this together. xo

Vulnerable, desperate and broken

These three words sum up how I have been feeling.

It’s taken me all week to figure out even just those three words, as I have felt almost lost for any words in the depth of my soul.

I think it began as far back as a month ago when my doctor pulled me off my monthly infusions of medicine (that help halt MS episodes) suddenly due to side effects that needed to be taken care of. I believe she had planned to quickly start me on another medicine a week or so ago, but there is nothing else that I was comfortable with beginning at this point.

I also have now found an amazing new primary Doctor but it has taken a little bit to figure out out what I need and begin those new therapies for me.

So here I’ve been in the interim–feeling like I’m dangling between doctors and decisions, left in a very vulnerable place.

I looked up the word ‘vulnerable’ and it described perfectly how I feel:

Definition of vulnerable:

  • : easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally

  • : open to attack, harm, or damage

The biggest reason for feeling this way is if I were to experience another MS episode, it would easily be now since I just got off of my immune-supressing medicine and my immune system may want to relapse as it comes out of it’s suppressed state.

 

I have struggled with feeling so needy and being even a burden to anyone in my life, My husband, my doctors, my friends, even God, as I have wrestled with fear and darkness that has wanted to overwhelm and suffocate me this week. It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced anything quite like this.

It is through many tears and being in this dark place where I feel like I could even just go off the deep-end of fear, that I have began to realize my need to surrender and be ok with feeling desperate and broken–because I have a rescuer, and He is mighty to save me.

No matter what neediness you’re struggling with in your life right now, I pray you are encouraged to be vulnerable, to allow yourself to need a savior because He responds to our neediness, our brokenness– and He will come and rescue you whatever trial you are in the midst of!

 

 

The blog that almost wasn’t….

This is the start of a blog that I have carried in my heart for the last 5 or so years, and it is now time to put pen to paper and start writing. Better late than never, right? 🙂

This week has been a pivotal week–things have been changing, my perspective has been shifting. I’m seeing more, I’m understanding more and for that, I want to keep account. I want to be intentional and not miss a bit of what is happening in my life and heart right now in this season, and beginning all the way back 10 years ago when I began my journey with MS.

I hope you will join me on this journey as I tell my story in discovering how we are never ever without hope. 2 Cor. 4:8-9

“We are experiencing trouble on every side, but are not crushed; we are perplexed, but not driven to despair; we are persecuted, but not without hope; we are knocked down, but not destroyed,”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:8-9‬