….sometimes there’s just the getting through the moment by moment.
I am learning to give myself permission to sit in this very place–to not have the answers for anything, to not know what I feel or believe, to not have a lot of hope for how things can change.
The amazing thing is, He loves me here. My heavenly father loves me here in this place–when I have nothing to say, nothing to feel, nothing to offer him. It strips me of any of my pride of thinking I am loved because of anything I have done. Not at all. He loves me because of who He is, not because of who I am or what I can do for him.
I haven’t had much to say in the last week. It’s always disappointing going through these MS flare-ups. No matter how many times I have dealt with these in the last 10 years since getting diagnosed (a whole another post of it’s own :)), I never get used to the feeling of suddenly losing feeling and strength in my body. My brain doesn’t even know how to process me doing things so normally one day, and just mere days later, having to take extra effort to get up and down the stairs, walk slowly because of the numbness in my knees and feel like at times, my legs will collapse on me if I don’t sit down. It is surely an experience, to say the least.
Add in the high doses of steroids to all of this and it makes for a tough situation. They do a number on my emotions and my thinking, making it hard at times to think rationally and clearly, and even hopefully that I can get through this. I’m thankful for all of you praying for me during these times because I have been feeling discouraged and numb by the whole situation (I’m guessing mostly because of the medication) and also by the fact that I have no idea when my legs will feel normal again. I believe and hope that I will be in a better place about a week from now when these meds are finished, and I’m praying they will be used to help bring healing to my body–that this hard time spent doing these meds is NOT in vain.
Regardless- through my little piece of suffering, I am confident that He is for me and not against me, and that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I’m thankful that is truth–whether I feel it or not.
Not Without Hope 
You are greatly loved!! By our God and so many people! Keep writing! Keep singing! Keep pressing on!!! Love you!
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Liz,
You are courageous and oh so brave. Stronger than you can see or feel. Your post inspired me tonight and increased my faith. Thank you for sharing! I am praying for you and for the release of even more grace than you are already carrying. I was weakened severely by clinical depression in the late 90’s and not very functional in the final stages until God miraculously healed me in the night while I slept in January 2001. Keep hope alive. As you said so well: The Father is with you and He is for you. I could not see His hand much nor feel His presence at all for a couple years. But looking back now it’s super clear He was by my side and working on my behalf even though I was not aware of it. He is moving in your midst!
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Your thinking is very clear Liz. Your words come together in the most beautiful way. In your suffering you stand firm and you praise God. Unless we are going through what you are going through not one of us can truly understand your pain. But God…He knows. He loves you. He knows what you are going through….and He will bring you through! He is able.
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