I asked someone that question this evening…….
and then it struck me how I never would have dreamed of asking those types of questions 10 years ago before I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. This was back in the days when being able to walk was a way of life, not a luxury, as I see it now. But I found myself inquiring of this person that very thing, when they told me they also had MS.
I never dreamed at 34 years old, I would be in this place….where walking and being able to move all FOUR limbs as well as both of my eyes coordinating together, having most of the feeling in my hands, things like that, would be something to even think about. The truth is, if I have a good workout (like this evening) I come home with tingly/numb legs and a partially-numb right hand all over again. It’s just a way of life for me now; one that I still pray will recover over time.
What a wild ride it has been, and one I wouldn’t trade for anything.
I can hardly even remember who I was before all of this started in 2006 when I began losing my eyesight in my left eye, to the point of barely being able to see out of it at all, along with losing depth perception where I felt like the floor was going to drop out in front of me. Pretty scary. It took me quite a few years to fully regain full vision and depth perception, but I’m grateful I did at all–it would not be a surprise to anyone if I didn’t. I have gone on to have 4 more episodes since that point, which is a good amount to have, according to the medical world. But I’ll share about those episodes in another post, another time…..
As I reflected on my life so far this evening, I’m sure I was fun to be around and to talk to, but going through these experiences over the last 10 years have really shaped who I am, down to the core.
There is nothing like walking through the valley of the shadow of death to really cause any of us to take a good hard look at life, at God, ourselves and have to consider what we really believe.
I am so grateful I’ve come out a better person on the other side–and the journey isn’t over yet. Somedays, I hate that. I wish sometimes that this was like cancer; that I had a chance of moving past it, of “beating it”. But the truth is, aside from a true miracle from God, this is a life-long journey. It has taught me so much surrender and learning to trust God even when my life is hard and it doesn’t make sense. I can trust He is with me every step of the way, and He always has my best in mind! Dealing with this neurological auto-immune disease is a cross to bear, but I’m thankful that my load can be easy and my burden light, when I learn to let God carry it for me. I don’t know about you all but I need all the help I can get!
I pray I continue to heal and recover, but I hope I never forget and take for granted my physical freedom-my ability to see, to taste, to be able to touch and feel things, to walk anywhere that I feel like. feeling exactly where my feet are going to land and knowing that I won’t fall. If any of you ever catch me running, dancing, skipping, acting child-like, you know why–I haven’t always been able to and so now, I do it just because I can!
My life is forever marked by what I have walked through so far and I pray it leaves me in a better place than where the journey began. I believe it has and it will continue to. xo