I know I haven’t blogged in almost a month. It hasn’t been by accident. I literally have not been able to type the words that have been in my heart for a while now.
The truth is: sometimes life hurts. Sometimes it’s all we can do to hang on for dear life. I have felt that way since the beginning of the year, when I finished my last round of IV drugs to help keep my MS symptoms at bay. I was forced to stop them because of some side-effects I was dealing with, that my neurologist was concerned about.
I have felt tossed around like waves on the seas for the last six months.
My faith has been tested and tried. I have felt scared to death and terrified, like I haven’t felt since I was first diagnosed in 2007.
I have looked my fears straight in the eye this year.
It has taken me a while to figure out what my biggest fear is that was burdening me so much to the point of leaving me feeling suffocated and even breathless. Once I finally was able to admit to myself what it was, it was hard to even say it out loud….much less blog about it!
The truth is–my biggest fear with my health is that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, even with all the steps I take with my team of doctors around me advising me– I’m going to eventually wind up in a wheelchair, unable to walk any longer.
Wow, heavy stuff right?!
There were a couple of reasons I came to this conclusion, and one of them will take a whole another blog post so I will talk about it next time but the other reason I will mention here is that I have been sliding backwards since getting off of these MS treatment drug Tysabri. Or maybe that’s not true…maybe I should say, I feel as if it has been one step forward, two steps back for the last 6 months, even though I’ve been working on some awesome stuff with my Dr which I believe will have an impact on my health, long term.
I haven’t even had the energy to tell many people what I have even been dealing with in the last 6 or so weeks but as of right now, my feet are partially numb alot of the time lately, and I got confirmed at the optometrist tonight that I do have Optic Neuritis in my right eye and have for a while, we think. This is a brand new MS symptom I have never had in my right eye so it’s a little scary to think of what scarring may be happening on my brain or spinal cord. You see, I was in pretty bad pain in my right eye for at least 4-5 weeks but I thought I was just having sinus issues. As it stands right now, my vision and the color in that eye right now is easily about 35% less than in the other eye, a lot of the time. (Nerve issues can be inconsistent where things can flare up and settle down) Things look somewhat dim and squiggly as well as creating some double vision for me since my eyes aren’t working well together. No one knows how long it will last and how quickly if at all my vision will clear up, although I pray it’s quickly and completely!
All of this has has been wearing on me physically, emotionally, spiritually.
I have been forced to take a very hard look at myself, at who God is and at my circumstances. It has been more painful than I can even say. I have tears in my eyes as I even type this thinking of the agony I have felt over the last few months wrestling with my fears and my reality.
There have been many prayers, many many tears, much soul searching as I have come to grips with the fact that no one can promise me that my worst fears will not come to pass. I have felt so desperate at times to cling to some sort of hope from a promise like that, but none of us are powerful enough to make that promise!
The more I try to control my life, the more afraid I am and the harder I fall.
The good news is, I have finally found a safe place to once again land–and it is this:
I could try and try and do all I can and still wind up wheelchair-bound one day down the road. I honestly hope and believe I will not but I do not know my future!
The only firm place I can stand is in the fact that God is the author of my story, He is the only one who knows what my future looks like, and He loves me more than I can even imagine!
So the true wrestling in my soul I finally realized is, do I or don’t I trust him? Do I really really trust that He loves me? That He has my best in mind? That if my health continues to deteriorate as I have seen some this year, that He is still good and still has a plan? Do I really believe that?
You guys–these are really hard questions to wrestle with. I know so many of you are going through pain like I am, and having to make really hard decisions of what you really believe. Please contact me if I can pray for you, and know that you are not alone in your journey.
I am so grateful I am now finding a safe place to land in my heart, but every day I have to make that choice–to trust my heavenly Father. To surrender in a deeper way than I ever have to Him and the plans he has for my life. It is the only way I can find true peace.
Thank-you so much to all of you who read my blog, follow my story and bring me so much encouragement. I still believe the best is yet to come, and I hope you can also find the courage and hope to believe that as well!