…..this is what I’ve had to remind myself for the last week now, as I have been in what feels like constant tears, even at times, weeping.
It’s hard for me to even admit this.
At times I’ve seen my tears as weakness, or a thing to be embarrassed over. I struggle with feeling like I should have moved past this point of grief and know how to handle all of this emotion by now as I deal with my issues regarding MS; but I’m realizing how much the tears are needed. They are cleansing to our hearts and an effective tool for helping me process pain and grief, which I believe could otherwise turn to bitterness or anger, if undealt with.
I felt it important to be honest and share this because I want you to know that you are not alone in the hard days. I have brave days and I have days where I am so scared that I can barely breathe if I take my eyes off of Jesus, for even just one moment.
As I’ve dealt with this fear and sorrow creeping up on me in the midst of this MS flareup, it’s honestly been hard to remember how it was when my body was in its optimal state and it has been terrifying. I have found it hard to even put into words how isolating and suffocating it feels if I allow the fear to take a hold of my heart, but it is very challenging, to say the least.
As I have thought through my emotions in the last week, I have found that allowing myself to cry, whether it be alone or on friends shoulders, is a very powerful remedy. In addition, speaking my deepest fears out loud to those who love me has been very healing for me and has helped me work through some of the pain and fear I wrestle with in my heart, and to recognize the lies I believe. (Thank-you if this was you! 🙂 )
The truth is, I am tired of the tears, I grow tired of grieving, I’m weary of being face to face with my deepest fears and looking them straight in the eye, with no break– but this scripture has brought me so much hope and encouragement. It helps me to allow myself to be in this place of tears, because I know I won’t stay here forever. And neither will you.
“Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” PSALM 30:5.
Last weekend, a sweet new friend of mine captured the photo of me shown above and it made me laugh when I saw it because I have felt quite the opposite recently! Seeing that photo though helps me remember my true identity– I am a Christ-follower, filled with a deep joy and hope that cannot be shaken, no matter the circumstances. Underneath the grief, the pain and the tears, there is still joy to be found, just as we are promised, and it truly will be our strength to carry us through.
I pray no matter what season you find yourself in, you are able to find joy at the core of who you are, because of the deep and abiding hope we have– Jesus Christ, himself.
“…..the joy of the LORD is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10