I know I have been more quiet than usual and have taken a bit of a break since one of my last posts titled, “The tears won’t last forever”.
It has been exactly 4 weeks since I wrote that and since then, I’ve had more tears than words, combined with what even has felt a bit like depression at times. I’ve had a hard time even figuring out why this MS episode I’ve been experiencing has affected me in such a deep way, and stirred up so much grief.
Please note: It is very hard to be so vulnerable and to share what I’ve been walking through but I continue to share my heart in hopes that you all know that in whatever pain or grief you’re facing in your life–you do not walk this road alone.
Going through this experience has shown me again what the dark night of the soul is like, but in a harder way than I’ve ever faced. It has helped me see that sometimes we truly have no idea the things that others are walking through in their lives. I’m sure most of you have no idea I’ve been struggling as much as I have been, unless you’ve been one of the lucky ones (haha-kidding) I’ve been vulnerable with and possibly cried on your shoulder, so to speak. This experience has reminded me how much we all need to remember to show kindness and give others the benefit of the doubt, because even though I know what I’ve been walking through may not be near as drastic as things others are walking through, even I have struggled desperately, near the point of hopelessness at times.
How much I have appreciated those in my life who have not turned their heads and hearts at my tears, but instead have embraced me and surrounded me with support and kindness when I needed it the most. I hope I can repay what I have been shown to others who walk through what I’ve been walking through.
I would say my biggest struggle I have faced in the recent months as I have finally sorted it out in my head has been coming to grips with my limitations and learning to accept them.
It has been 3.5 months since my legs took a turn for the worse and it has left me terrified at moments at how I could not depend on them, lest they collapse on me at any point as I was attempting to use them. I also began to realize as I search for part-time employment that I couldn’t just accept any job I wanted, but needed to begin to plan what I could do within my limitations.
You guys, this has been really really challenging for this 34 year old to accept. These are things I had not ever planned to have to worry about for another 30-40 years; and yet here I am, planning my life around my physical disabilities and limitations.
It has been so so hard. My heart and my deepest respect both go out to you all who have have the courage and strength to face and come to terms with your limitations, because this has rocked my world.
As I have taken a good hard look within myself, I have realized the ultimate issue has come down to my trust in God, or lack thereof recently. I allowed my fear of what I realized I couldn’t control AT ALL to become bigger than my trust in who I know my God is.
What a scary place to sit, because as our Pastor at church said, “Where your eyes go, your body will follow.” Because I was looking at what I couldn’t control and becoming more and more afraid of my present and my future, I began to take my eyes off the Lord in those moments.
I am so thankful for His grace and that He never gives up on us. EVER! He has brought amazing people in my life in the recent weeks and months to continue to speak truth and life to me, and to help pull me out of this dark hole. As I have spent time doing some soul-searching and praying in the midst of so many tears, I have began to see the truth.
God can work in the midst of our limitations and He is not limited by our limitations!
As I come to grips more and more with this truth and learn to accept my limitations, I am beginning to find peace with the fact that there may be times where I can’t always use my physical body as much as I would like, but God still has a plan for my life. A brilliant plan at that. He is not surprised by the things I face, and He is still working all things for my good.
In the midst of all of this, God has never changed a bit. He hasn’t changed his mind about me, He continues to show his ever-lasting love for me and has proven to be as faithful to me as the sun rising every morning. He is not afraid or put off by my tears and questions, and loves to show me who He is even in the midst of all the doubts I have.
I pray you all have the opportunity to also experience Him in the beautiful way that I am right now in my life.
I acknowledge that the tears and wrestling may continue for a time as I prayerfully sort all this out in my heart, but I trust that He is going to carry me through this time. I believe that light will emerge on the other side of this dark night.
Thank-you for reading and please contact me if you would like me to pray with you in the midst of struggles you are facing. You are loved!