Well, here I go again starting early this morning:
3 days of Solu-Medrol infusions. And then, a week or so of tapering steroids.
If I’m counting correctly, I believe this is my 5th time I’ll have be receiving these infusions since getting diagnosed with MS in 2007.
I always hope and pray I never have to do these again because I have such adverse effects but I recognize also that it is a necessary evil that can help pull me out of a flare-up, and the current one I’m in has gone on toooo long and is intensifying in it’s attack on my immune system.
For the time you have such an insanely high amount of steroids in your system (500mg for me this time, to see if I tolerate it better than the 100mg normally used), your body is no longer in control. The steroids have full control over your functions. My point? The choice to use this therapy to tame a relapse is not one that I enter into lightly and without a lot self education on the risks. But for me, the benefits far outweigh the risks. I need to reverse the damage that is happening, before I potentially cause more scarring on my brain and spinal cord. So here I am. Again.
At my exam at my neurologist’s office this morning, they confirmed that my left leg is weak, and the flareup is effecting my whole right side. It’s hard to type with all of the numbness in especially my right hand and I’m quickly losing strength to grip things in that hand as well. The numbness also impacts my mid section and leg as well. It is terrifying to feel the disease creeping into more and more regions of my body and mind, attempting to take over, even though I’ve gone through this quite a few times over the last 10 years.
I’ve been dealing with on-going issues now since getting off of Tysabri just over a year ago, which is an immune-supressing drug for MS, and it can really be a challenge for our immune systems to bounce back from something that has been suppressed.
God is always teaching me so much in the midst of these dark places:
-that he is absolutely trust-worthy, at all time, and he will never leave me or forsake me.
-that my seemingly endless buckets of tears lately don’t make me a wimp; braveness is formed by doing the things we’re so afraid to do, but doing it anyway.
-that I am NOT A FAILURE for not being able to control my disease at times. I’ve bought too easily into the failure lie again lately. It will really trip you up, let me tell ya. I’m realizing that is a lie to distract, because the truth is, God doesn’t see me as a failure. He only longs for my surrender, and he does the rest. And that is what I offer him.
I have never considered myself a control freak but I’m realizing, we all are in different areas of our lives. I have wanted to control my health (for good reasons, of course) and do everything in my power to impact this disease in a positive way. Knowing the emotional, mental and physical pain of these drugs, I have waited for quite a while to do these infusions. I have also been leaning on what I know and understand….but the truth is, there are always things I can’t know and understand. I have been so afraid to touch these drugs again also because in my mind, that is failing, along with being scared of the pain it may cause me. But God has asked me to do the very thing I’ve been afraid to do; to trust him and not try to understand it all. Now is the time to jump.
So that is what I do. This is the journey of faith. This is where the growth happens. In the dark places. In the scariest of moments. Trusting him with my very life and letting go of my own understanding.
Thank-you so much for your thoughts and prayers for our family as I ride these bumpy waves of life over the next week or two.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5