(I’m working on a more lengthy blog post that will be out shortly, with lots more great detail about my MS journey for anyone interested, but just wanted to update you all briefly!)
Thank-you so much for your prayers and outrageous kindness and support for the last 4-6 weeks on my journey with MS! I truly have no sufficient words for how much it has encouraged and blessed myself and my family.
The steroid infusions I did were over-all very successful! Reduced side effects while on treatment (a HUGE answer to prayer!) and only a couple of weeks of being on the couch feeling terrible. I have more feeling in my torso, my right arm, feet and hands! I’m also getting eyesight back in my right eye. I have almost no weakness in my right hand and my legs. These things are HUGE! They may not sound that significant but it can truly hard to be a 34 year old mom and wife when dealing with something like this. I’ve had a couple of nerve-wracking setbacks in the last 2 weeks but still at a better place than I was before.
So, I had a visit with my new Neurologist last Monday and I’ve been processing the visit for the last week now, trying to find the words.
I guess I’ve done such a good job separating my identity from the sickness I deal with that it was shocking to hear yet another neurologist tell me how serious and aggressive my MS is. I was struggling to fight back tears in his office as I struggled to believe this is my life, my current reality. It felt like he should be saying these words to someone else besides me.
It was quite amazing though to note his surprise after that, when he inquired and I told him I don’t even currently own a cane that I need to use, since I had spoken of all the serious flare-ups I’ve dealt with over the last 8 years.
He then asked me to walk across the room to evaluate my walking ability. After that, he asked me to stand on one leg to check my balance. I wish you could have seen the shock on his face when he saw my walking ability and my balance. He remarked, “What a blessing that you are still able to walk so well.” I could tell it was unexpected. That I should probably be dealing with a lot more disability at this point, especially with all of the scarring I have already accumulated on my brain and spinal cord.
I am so grateful that my life is defying the odds! That I am doing things that aren’t expected with all I’ve been through!
God is so amazing, and even though I have been sitting in this strange tension of sadness of my reality, I also have hope and encouragement to see that God is protecting my ability to walk for now, even in the midst of an aggressive disease! So many times in my life I have seen where God doesn’t always answer our prayers like we might expect.
Maybe he doesn’t deliver us OUT our painful situations, but He is faithful to deliver us THROUGH them!
I am seeing him walk with me through the valley of the shadow of death, the very places I’ve been so afraid to go, and now I’m in the middle of it all. And just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, He is protecting me in the midst of my fiery den. (Go read their story in Daniel chapter 3 if you need additional encouragement for your situation!)
No, my situation hasn’t been necessarily ideal, and yes, I have suffered in other ways and dealt with other physical pain even though I am still able to walk at this point, but the fact is, that God is with me.
If his presence is with us, we can face anything.
I look back on my life in the last 10 years, and I am astonished at the changes and growth I’ve seen in my life. I would not be the person I am today if I had not walked this road, and dealt with all the pain and fear I have had to face. I wouldn’t have chosen it by any means but I wouldn’t change it either.
I’m so grateful that I have allowed the Lord to use my hardship to make me a better person, and that I am able to have eyes to see the miracles he is doing even in the middle of this hard place. I don’t believe this story is over yet….and I believe I will continue to see his goodness in my life.
The same can be for all of us! God is writing a story in each of our lives, and we get to make the choice today– to fight our circumstances and hardship or find a sweet place of surrender. We can ask God what he is doing in our situation and and what does that look like to surrender to him?
I’m determined to find his goodness, because it is there–sometimes we just have to look a little closer. He is always working on our behalf, even on the hardest of the days we face.
I pray you are able to find the faithfulness of God in the midst of your story. May you sense his presence with you on whatever road you walk. He is a faithful God and he always keeps his promises.
Not Without Hope 