A Time For Weeping And A Time for Laughter

I have no doubt in my mind that getting a difficult health prognosis has to be one of the top hardest things to deal with in life, as I again discovered yesterday. I bet a lot of you who have also walked this road would agree with me.

I know people who have told me how they wonder at times how  I manage have to joy in the midst of the journey I walk, how I am able to be so brave, how I continue to have hope even though things look bleak at times.

I believe how I’m able to process what I’m feeling is key to getting through a really difficult situation and being able to hang on for the roller-coaster ride I’ve been on.

I sat in my new neurologist’s office yesterday as he looked at my brain MRI I had done last week,  listening to him say things like “Your MS is bad”, “This is going to effect you your whole life”, “your brain is covered with lots of lesions from the years of MS so far. I can see how it’s trying to repair itself but there is still scarring that will be there”…etc etc.

I sat there in silence, my head spinning, thinking ” I can’t believe this is my life. It’s so far from any thing I have wanted or ever desired to deal with.” I felt so much despair wash over me. At one point I found myself think how much I hated my life….but I quickly realized that wasn’t the truth at all and corrected that thought with, “no way do I hate my life! I have an amazing life and I love it. What I hate is this illness.”

I left the doctor’s office with my sweet husband and sat in his car, weeping over the update from my doctor, feeling the gravity of my situation, as he comforted me. I called my sister and wept some more. I picked my daughter up from school with tears still spilling over. I came back home and spent the rest of evening weeping as my kind husband took care of literally everything so I didn’t have to do a thing. And now, I’m sitting here now with many tears again.

I have dealt with this awful disease for 10 years but there are certain points where I come face to face with it and I feel so much grief for how much it has already impacted me, and how my future could possibly look.

There used to be times where I tried to be strong in my own strength–I believed strong looked like pushing my pain down and pressing forward as if I didn’t have a care in the world, while I quietly began to die little by little inside.

However, as I have learned better ways to cope now and as I have grown closer and closer with the Lord, I have found a new way to deal with my grief. I allow myself to feel it completely.

I let myself feel the full weight of my grief, my fear, my anxiety, my desperation, my despair..I kid you not, I felt as if I had a million emotions trying to get themselves out of my brain all at once yesterday. It was very overwhelming, but I just let the tears flow because I needed release from the pain I was feeling.

Here’s the game changer though: My grief as a follower of Jesus Christ is unique. It is very different from the way the world grieves. I grieve but not without hope.

Even as I wept yesterday, I was still able to tell my sister through my tears that I believe God still has a plan for my life, I am confident he knows exactly what he is doing even though I don’t have a clue, and I know there has to be joy and laughter somewhere on the other side. I can say all of these things with confidence as I look back and see God’s faithfulness in my life, and how he has proven himself worthy of my trust.

This has now changed the way I look at grief.

I am not afraid to go to that place of tears and deep anguish anymore. It’s not a scary place that takes me down a deep hole of despair, but instead it’s like a safety net. I’m acknowledging my pain and processing through it, while at the same time knowing that He is God and he is near, collecting all of my tears.

I believe my tears make a way for joy. If  don’t tap into my sorrows and pain, I can’t tap into the joy God wants to give me. I love how it says that he catches our tears in a bottle. They are precious to him. “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 and then the promise he makes, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5.

Ecclessiastes 3:4 also says “there is a time for weeping, and a time for laughter.”  I was reminded of this verse yesterday; that now is my time for weeping, but it says there will again be a time for laughter coming. I am believing that this is not the end. God has the last word in my life.

Equally important as I’m processing my deep pain and sorrow has been reading God’s word, which is such a comfort to my heart.  I especially like to read the Psalms during times like these as David voices all of his emotions, just like I’m trying to do. I love how real he is, and it encourages me to be real also.

I like to also journal and write down my thoughts and feelings, helping get them out of my head and on paper. It truly does free up brain space and leave more room in my mind and heart to hear God speaking to me, and be able to receive it.

Lastly, there are no words for how grateful I am that a friend gave me a copy of “Chase the Lion” by Mark Batterson, the night before my difficult day yesterday. God’s timing truly is perfect, and has been such a tremendous encouragement to me.

It is a book about dreaming big and I have decided that I am going to do just that this year. Dreaming gives me a sense of empowerment, that I believe God wants all of us to have. Even though I feel like I have lost parts of my health and it’s completely out of my control, it can’t stop me from dreaming. And it certainly can’t stop God from fulfilling these dreams through me in my lifetime.

I’m going to end this with a couple of quotes that really stuck out to me yesterday as I read through parts of this powerful book. I hope it encourages you as much as it did me!

Bless you as you walk through your hard places and process your grief. Our heavenly Father is ever-present, walking with us and He truly cares. I pray you feel his presence even in the midst of your grief and pain as much as I have. 

“If you want to live an epic life, you have to overcome some epic challenges. You have to take some epic risks, make some epic sacrifices.”

“A God-sized dream dream will always beyond your ability, beyond your resources. Unless God does it, it cannot be done! But that’s how God gets the glory. If your dream doesn’t scare you, it’s too small. It also falls short of God’s glory by not giving him an opportunity to show up and show off his power.”

Two are better than one

They say a picture is worth a thousand years…

 

I wish we had a camera to capture the moment that I was able to walk across a field outdoors this afternoon, but only because I was gripping the hand of an amazing woman on either side as they literally had to hold me up to keep me from stumbling and falling, due to balance and weakness issues. (I’m sure the wedges I was wearing  for our photo shoot didn’t help either. Ha!)

 

My heart is sad that my legs have really been struggling in the last few days; but in that moment this afternoon none of it mattered, as tears filled my eyes and I had a glimpse again of how life is meant to be lived. Together, in community, as a team, occasionally the stronger arms needing to hold up one who might be struggling for the moment.

 

It’s humbling to be the one who needs the help but I know one day I will be the one helping hold another up. Don’t fool yourself and think you can do life alone. It may be possible temporarily but you will miss out on so much joy from community if you do so, and the load could quickly become too much to bear.

 

God created us to do life together, and it truly does lighten our load when we let another help carry it. 💜 

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4:9-10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Deliverance in the midst of trouble

I believe that God sometimes wants to deliver us THROUGH our troubles, instead of just delivering us OUT of our troubles.

I have been dealing with with a very sore tooth off and on for the last 5 years since I had a cavity filled, as well as getting it crowned, and the nerve has never been very happy since then. It has been so incredibly painful for me, for weeks at a time each time, as I’ve dealt with this tooth and it’s issues, but I had been fortunate enough so far to be able to get inflammation down naturally through diet and supplements every time it would flare up.

However, when it began to flare up again last Friday, my heart sank because I’ve been through so much physical pain lately and I honestly felt like I had reached the end of what I could even deal with. I really began praying for God to take the pain away again or to please show me if I just needed to get this taken care of, instead of trying to spend weeks in pain fighting it naturally, per the usual.

The pain continued to only get worse as the weekend went on, so I made a phone call yesterday morning to see if my favorite endodontist, who only works at the Thompson Station location one day a month, was available soon–and of course, wouldnt you know it, He just happened to be here the very next day. (today) Such a clear sign to me that God was providing a way for me to get this taken care of, and quickly!

I admit– I felt like a bit of a failure that I couldn’t seem to get my body to heal the way I wanted it to even though I had worked so hard, and also a bit disappointed that God wasn’t just giving me some miraculous healing and taking the pain away right then and there.

However, as I went through with this root canal procedure today, God began showing me how important our troubles can be in our lives, because it’s an opportunity for him to show us who He is!

I believe miracles are amazing and I personally love the miraculous, but as I grow in my christian walk, I’m finding that sometimes while we are concerned about the end result, God is more concerned about our journey getting there, and ultimately, our hearts.

What I’m realizing more and more is: we cannot know him as our great healer if we never deal with sickness; we cannot know him as our comforter if we never deal with loss and grief; He can never show us his power and strength if we never experience weakness; He cannot show us what a great provider he is unless we experience lack in our lives. So sometimes while we are praying for him to take trials out of our lives, he actually wants us to walk through them with him by our side, so he can show us who He is–and who we are, too!

I believe God was wanting me to walk through this experience with this root canal today because he knew I was afraid of having another one done…I’ve heard stories of how it can cause harm to your health, among other reasons, and so therefore I began to put God in a box, in terms of how I thought he should deliver me. But this time, he didn’t deliver me OUT of my situation but instead walked me THROUGH the very thing I was afraid of, while showing me his power, his provision and his healing through getting this root canal!

After what I experienced today, I want to start praying differently. I want to have a heart that is willing to walk through these trials in life, so I am able to see all the ways God is going to show up and show me his deliverance IN THE MIDST of my trials. In this way, I believe this will make his name great and so many others will most certainly be impacted by the things we are walking through, and will be able to see how God is delivering us in the midst of it!

Be encouraged if you are walking through a trial–God is bringing deliverance and He will bring you out on the other side, all while showing you his faithfulness and goodness!

PSALM 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

 

 

 

 

 

The Power of a Story

I had an incredible opportunity to share my story of how I’m journeying through chronic illness as I deal with MS, this week on the CourageCast podcast!

I hope you are able to hop over to the link provided below, and take a listen to all 3 days where I am interviewed by Eric Nordhoff! And most of all, I hope you all are encouraged as you journey through your own hard places in life, remembering that you are not alone in whatever you’re walking through!

 

Part 1: https://www.buzzsprout.com/57179/414779-104-elizabeth-taylor-courage-through-a-chronic-illness

Part 2: https://www.buzzsprout.com/57179/414780-105-elizabeth-taylor-the-antidote-for-despair

Part 3: https://www.buzzsprout.com/57179/414801-106-elizabeth-taylor-not-without-hope

 

I would love your thoughts after you listen, so please feel free to come back here and leave a comment on anything you would add, if you’ve experienced some of the same things I have, etc!

 

 

Humbled and deeply loved

 

 

It is humbling to experience so much kindness and so many prayers from many amazing people in my life who I know are cheering me on lately. You all encourage me greatly!

It is humbling to take a walk tonight and realize that my 34 yr old legs feel more like a 70 year old’s. They seem to have gotten worse over the last week and I only pray that this will not progress and worsen. My feet feel like I’m walking on pin cushions, my legs felt heavy to lift and more difficult to move and I found myself wondering if I need to replace my cane that never showed up with our stuff after we moved last year….

It is humbling to realize how little control we truly have in life. As much as I am fighting this illness in my head right now, I feel changes in my body that I literally cannot get to stop. This is why I am thankful my trust is in God, because I know he in control even though I am clearly not. He knows my future and is writing my story. Just not sure at this point how in the world it’s going to turn out. ha

It is humbling to have to create a plan for a friend to help out when my husband is traveling again next week if needed. I never dreamed I would be in the place where I would be making decisions like this and having to worry about whether or not I would be able to take care of my children and my home alone without help.

It is humbling to know I have so many incredible people in my life who would do anything for me. Having a support system like this helps me not feel so scared or alone. I am truly grateful.

And more than anything, it is humbling to know how deeply I am loved by God. Even when I am afraid, I know He still has a plan and purpose for my life and in the end, everything really will be ok.

In closing, I went old school today and was listening to Crystal Lewis’s Beauty for Ashes song….it was just what my heart needed. The lyrics comforted me greatly as I felt God speaking them to my heart:

 

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

Walking through the valleys….

I know I haven’t blogged in almost a month. It hasn’t been by accident. I literally have not been able to type the words that have been in my heart for a while now.

The truth is: sometimes life hurts. Sometimes it’s all we can do to hang on for dear life. I have felt that way since the beginning of the year, when I finished my last round of IV drugs to help keep my MS symptoms at bay. I was forced to stop them because of some side-effects I was dealing with, that my neurologist was concerned about.

I have felt tossed around like waves on the seas for the last six months.

My faith has been tested and tried. I have felt scared to death and terrified, like I haven’t felt since I was first diagnosed in 2007.

I have looked my fears straight in the eye this year.

It has taken me a while to figure out what my biggest fear is that was burdening me so much to the point of leaving me feeling suffocated and even breathless. Once I finally was able to admit to myself what it was, it was hard to even say it out loud….much less blog about it!

The truth is–my biggest fear with my health is that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, even with all the steps I take with my team of doctors around me advising me– I’m going to eventually wind up in a wheelchair, unable to walk any longer.

Wow, heavy stuff right?!

There were a couple of reasons I came to this conclusion, and one of them will take a whole another blog post so I will talk about it next time but the other reason I will mention here is that I have been sliding backwards since getting off of these MS treatment drug Tysabri. Or maybe that’s not true…maybe I should say, I feel as if it has been one step forward, two steps back for the last 6 months, even though I’ve been working on some awesome stuff with my Dr which I believe will have an impact on my health, long term.

I haven’t even had the energy to tell many people what I have even been dealing with in the last 6 or so weeks but as of right now, my feet are partially numb alot of the time lately, and I got confirmed at the optometrist tonight that I do have Optic Neuritis in my right eye and have for a while, we think. This is a brand new MS symptom I have never had in my right eye so it’s a little scary to think of what scarring may be happening on my brain or spinal cord.  You see, I was in pretty bad pain in my right eye for at least 4-5 weeks but I thought I was just having sinus issues. As it stands right now, my vision and the color in that eye right now is easily about 35% less than in the other eye, a lot of the time. (Nerve issues can be inconsistent where things can flare up and settle down)  Things look somewhat dim and squiggly as well as creating some double vision for me since my eyes aren’t working well together. No one knows how long it will last and how quickly if at all my vision will clear up, although I pray it’s quickly and completely!

All of this has has been wearing on me physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I have been forced to take a very hard look at myself, at who God is and at my circumstances. It has been more painful than I can even say. I have tears in my eyes as I even type this thinking of the agony I have felt over the last few months wrestling with my fears and my reality.

There have been many prayers, many many tears, much soul searching as I have come to grips with the fact that no one can promise me that my worst fears will not come to pass. I have felt so desperate at times to cling to some sort of hope from a promise like that, but none of us are powerful enough to make that promise!

The more I try to control my life, the more afraid I am and the harder I fall. 

The good news is, I have finally found a safe place to once again land–and it is this:

I could try and try and do all I can and still wind up wheelchair-bound one day down the road. I honestly hope and believe I will not but I do not know my future!

The only firm place I can stand is in the fact that God is the author of my story, He is the only one who knows what my future looks like, and He loves me more than I can even imagine! 

So the true wrestling in my soul I finally realized is, do I or don’t I trust him? Do I really really trust that He loves me? That He has my best in mind? That if my health continues to deteriorate as I have seen some this year, that He is still good and still has a plan? Do I really believe that?

You guys–these are really hard questions to wrestle with. I know so many of you are going through pain like I am, and having to make really hard decisions of what you really believe. Please contact me if I can pray for you, and know that you are not alone in your journey.

I am so grateful I am now finding a safe place to land in my heart, but every day I have to make that choice–to trust my heavenly Father. To surrender in a deeper way than I ever have to Him and the plans he has for my life. It is the only way I can find true peace.

Thank-you so much to all of you who read my blog, follow my story and bring me so much encouragement. I still believe the best is yet to come, and I hope you can also find the courage and hope to believe that as well!

 

Day 22: Happy Fathers day and Husband caregiver day

Tears filled my eyes a few days ago when I saw there really is a national Husband caregiver day, to go along with the beloved Father’s day that we all know.

I  have a husband who knows far too well, both of these roles.

Neither of us knew when we got married at 19 & 25 years old, the things we would soon walk through. That he would have to care for me at times when I would struggle to care for myself. That he would have to somehow find a way to manage our kids, our household and my care all while trying to have a career. But as I have gotten diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis almost 10 years ago, that is exactly what he has done.

That takes so much courage, strength and fortitude. And somehow he’s doing it, all by the grace of God.

There are days I haven’t been sure how bad things will get  with my health and I have wondered the extent of the care he would have to provide for me, and yet he doesn’t complain or blink an eye at the work it takes.

He has grown so much in patience and kindness over the years as he has sat with me while I cry, or I’m so afraid, or I simply just can’t move.

He has quickly stepped up to the plate in loving on our kids and providing the stability they need when clearly, sickness doesn’t always provide that.

He has also helped to keep our home beautiful when everything else seems like it’s falling apart, and when I’m unable to contribute.

You all see an awesome friend, a man of God, a hard worker—and I get to see that and even so much more.

He is truly the rock of our home, and I am so grateful for all he has done for our family to get us through the last 14 years of marriage and kids.

And so I dedicate this blog post to him today, as a tribute and public recognition of the incredible man that he is. I am so thankful and honored to be his wife and to be raising our beautiful kids together while we walk this journey. As painful at times as it is, there is also so much beauty to be found in the midst of it.

Happy Fathers day and Husband Caregiver day! You are more than I could have even prayed for! I love you!

Day 3-Keto flu

Today is brutal. I’m almost glad I didn’t know it was coming until it happened and I googled my symptoms to see what I might be dealing with. Turns out it’s Keto flu, as most call it. I’m almost strangely excited to know I’m making progress and that I am completely normal, even though I feel pretty junky right now. My symptoms are mostly issues related to my stomach yesterday and today, and now major weakness and fatigue tonight. Very strange feeling, knowing that I feel sick that it’s almost to be expected and it will push me to the “other side”, into ketosis.

Here is some great info on how to treat it, in case any of you wind up in the same spot as me: http://elowcarbfoodlist.org/the-keto-flu-symptoms-and-relief/

It’s hard not to be down on myself when I have a hard time staying  below 30 grams of carbs a day. IT IS HARD! Today I got up to probably 45 grams of carbs. UGH  I am constantly tracking right now  while I’m on this huge learning curve and trying to figure out what are some great low-carb or carb-free options of things I can eat. I am grateful that I’m not entirely new to l0w-carb eating since paleo is naturally more low-carb than the normal american diet but still….this is a whole new level that I am trying to learn right now. I’ve been researching lots of ideas for food tonight so I am more equipped to do this in the weeks to come.

Onward and upward towards health and healing! Cheers!

So thankful for Jesus

I am so thankful for Jesus. I am so thankful that in the midst of my despair and hopelessness, he brings hope to my heart. A hope that he is working in the midst of the things unseen, things yet to be revealed.

I have felt grief and pain anew wash over me many times in the last couple of weeks as I deal with my current realities, through the lens of my prescription drugs, no less.

But even as real is my pain, so real is His presence to me.

It has come as a quiet confident voice which speaks peace to my heart when I feel panic, hope when I feel fear, strength when I feel tired of fighting this battle.

This is why He came; this is why He died and then rose again in victory!

Jesus, I am so thankful you came–I know you came for me, for what  would I ever do without you. I will love and follow you forever.

No matter where you are or what you’re going through, I pray each of you experience his presence in such a beautiful way this weekend.

Happy Resurrection day!

 

 

 

On the 8th day of steroids :)

Update: I can’t believe it’s been 8 days already since I started these drugs, although in my agony, the days have tended to drag on rather slowly and torturously. Ha.

For those of who you are just following….. this situation all began after my Neurologist pulled me off of my medicine Tysabri very abruptly  7 weeks ago with out weaning me off the med at all, and I believe it attempted to send me into a tail-spin as my immune system now begins to wake up, after being suppressed for the last 18 months.

I am having to do these very high amounts of IV and now oral steroids to hopefully halt this MS episode quickly before it gets too bad and I risk accumulating more scarring on my brain or spinal cord. I pray this isn’t the case and that we caught it early enough!

My physical body is in a lot of pain right now, as well as my breathing labored and my heart racing, as I slowly come down from the heavy steroids I’ve been on. The pain in mostly my upper body is to the point where my family cannot hardly touch or hug me right now. Everything hurts.

At the same time though, my mind is slowly coming out of the heavy fog. I feel like a bit of the picture, coming out of a dark heavy forest into the beautiful sunshine.  I can feel my optimism and mental strength for life beginning to return. I pray the strength in my legs will also follow. Soon and very soon, I believe….thank-you Jesus for your strength!

Also, thank-you friends for your comments and encouragement that lifts my spirits. It means so much to me.

 

Since I can think a little more clearly–I am working on my next blog post right now, talking about something that is so crucial to all of us: Community and crisis. 

It’s coming soon, so follow my blog to stay tuned!